Felt OK … until I crushed Tokyo. —@BobPeryea, via Twitter My new basketball is the moon. —Dave Drews, via email You looked taller in your profile. —@thaquashman, via Instagram I have made a colossal mistake! —@argayle, via Instagram Godzilla got into the diet pills. —Steve Rhodes, via email Sun look more red to you? —Michael Patrick Sullivan, via email Giant wakes up tiny, confused. —ChatGPT My first trip to the hypothalamus! —@fernandarosh, via Twitter What grew? All but the bones. —Jackson Parker, via email Honorable Mentions: Mad I was, until it worked. —Don Wilkins, via email You say “mad,” I say “disappointed.” —Joseph Ferry, via email Her hair was blue—and undyed. —@jaybirdfitlive, via Instagram He couldn’t make Earth look triangular. —@pauloahb, via Instagram His socks matched her lab coat. —@pmcruise, via Twitter Quantum field cadaver regeneration activation, go! —Sean Liddle, via Facebook “Success!” Too bad the AI disagreed. —Steve Nomax, via email “Let there be light,” said God. —@charley.desousa, via Instagram “It‘s aliiiive!” Elon opened his eyes. —@ylbertf, via Instagram Honorable Mentions: Its stare gave me a rash. —@dantekienigiel, via Instagram Darwin might’ve overlooked them on purpose. —@the__story__life, via Instagram Green trunks wiggled from thawed permafrost. —@Theniceladywit, via Twitter Its unusual diet was immediately demonstrated. —@lauren.samuelsen14, via Instagram Field biology got trickier after that. —Paul Gazis, via Facebook We thought lenticular clouds were clouds. —@marcia_storyteller, via Instagram Was it feeding on electronic waste? —@leonserra_, via Instagram To it, we are the ants. —Morten Kielland, via email Honorable Mentions: It wasn’t long enough for me. —@Anna_Wenner, via Twitter And so long lived the Queen. —Giacomo, via email Your application to be terminated expired. Morten Kielland, via email Too bad I never stopped growing. —Antti Karjalainen, via Facebook There was still no edit button. —@ThatKP3, via Twitter In the end, there wasn’t one. —Jason Anderson, via email I woke up again and again. —@mirnanassar, via Instagram They said someday, but it’s today. —@VijayLRoy, via Twitter I should’ve had that looked at. —J. Fredrick James, via email Honorable Mentions: He did what she would not. —Eric Nisly, via Facebook “Well, only if you stay digital.” —Morten Kielland, via email They think I’m the good one. —@bobtheimpaler, via Instagram Her eye is mine for eternity. —@cessmtz, via Twitter “Relax. Mom will never find out.” —@ascendant_dada, via Instagram I’m the one you really want. —@kalkikanmani, via Twitter Only mirrors can reveal the truth. —@BuddhaandDog, via Twitter Born triplets, but three’s a crowd. —@jkadz, via Instagram Honorable Mentions: 🏔🏃♀️🏃🏻♂️🏃🏽♀️🦑🛸 —@jessbeckah42, via Instagram 💰🏹🦄💋🐸🤴 —@lgvpart, via Instagram 👽🤮🦠☠️🌎🏆 —Ché Graham, via email 👁🤜🧜♂️🌊🔱😵 —@cmayc414, via Instagram 💎🏃👮🚗🚔💥 —@aotrivera, via Instagram 🦕🌎☄️🐒🤡🤖 —@marcia_storyteller, via Instagram 🦈🏊⛱️⚠️🛥️🌠 —@PatCattigan, via Twitter 🚀👨🚀👽👩🔬🎖🍾 —@nadia.bkb, via Instagram 🌪🐦❓✨🌬🌺 —@cva.maria, via Instagram Honorable Mentions: 42 was definitely not the answer. —Simona Riva, via Facebook “The robots are BLEEDING!” she screamed. —@vince_freeman, via Twitter Dear humans, nobody wants unsolicited nudes. —@OhCooley44, via Twitter Humans! There goes the dang neighborhood. —S. V. Mosaic, via Facebook Directions to transdimensional left luggage office? —Max Thoursie, via email I haven’t gabblegopped the gloop yet. —@Evanliciously, via Twitter One small step to remember mankind. —@AxeandPail, via Twitter Is this DC’s or Marvel’s Universe? —Thomas Davis, via email Honorable Mentions: Went in wrinkled, came back ironed. —Rick Veenstra, via email But my name is not Alice! —Reine Fleur, via Facebook My single socks returned—inside out. —Ann C, via email The cause? Pairing wool with corduroy. —@milanograms, via Twitter My insurance will not cover this! —Brian Carroll, via Facebook I walked in, we walked out. —@Egiventer, via Twitter When I returned, my pants hadn’t. —Maarten van Kempen, via email Pest control’s about to get trickier. —Susannah Lui, via Facebook The bad smell came from there. —@run_the_jouls, via Instagram Honorable Mentions: Waiter, I ordered polynyocominnucloride, not biconvocominleucloride. —Carolyne Gibson, via Facebook Robot malfunctions—leaving only Mom’s cooking. —Marc Ringel, via email Suddenly I realized, I’m the food. —@nicoestr, via Twitter So full. Way too many gigabytes. —Jim Frentz, via email Waiter, my soup has been bugged! —@nostalgicbookishness, via Instagram Please check genome compatibility before eating. —@sebastiancastro, via Instagram Steak pill exploded in the hydrator. —Shelvine Berzerk Erasmus, via Facebook I was hungry. So was it. —Jake McCormack, via Facebook Honorable Mentions: Grandma, tell me about the memes. —E. E. Eon, via email Just be happy you are analog. —Maarten Visscher, via email There’s strawberry jam inside the VCR. —@Plan_Prep_Live, via Twitter The robots won’t stop feeding me. —@lithohedron, via Twitter And then the battery ran out. —@thedigifish, via Instagram On Earth, I’d been pronounced dead. —@bower_mink, via Instagram Luckily, the quantum untangler was near. —Antti Karjalainen, via Facebook I’m outside! We are all outside! —Paul Hubner, via email Huh, your DNA can’t be verified. —Jason Rosenberg, via email Honorable Mentions: I wrote this same story yesterday. —@tatiang, via Twitter You’re from test tube 698GX10A too? —Amy Stewart, via email Separated at birth, they died simultaneously. —@zeynaballee, via Instagram I have not become my mother. —@r58tree, via Instagram Of all the Galilean moon joints … —Alison Boleyn, via email You have a cloned T-Rex too! —@emailabdulla, via Instagram The android had my husband’s eyes. —@hrhblakeknight, via Instagram WIRED chooses to publish this story. —@connorgerbrandt, via Instagram Honorable Mentions: On Consensus Day we blockchain vote. —@jamesjoaquin, via Twitter Day a For Backward Speak Everyone. —@nervish, via Instagram “Happy Upload Day!” the kids typed. —Gene Simonalle, via email Update your friends this Reboot Day. —Antti Karjalainen, via Facebook Elon has just bought July 4th. —@rafaelalimandro, via Instagram A day that offends no one. —@Stevalech, via Twitter Welcome to the 74th Hunger Games. —@corvalanlara, via Instagram Hey Calendar, happy AI Appreciation Day! —Michael Esser, via email And her name was Betty White. —@marhartech, via Instagram Honorable Mentions: Don’t upgrade. I’m a good boy. —Benjamin Lopez Barba, via email My meta dodo only eats NFTreats. —@transistor_resistor, via Instagram One hour to finish printing rex. —@RyanReitz, via Twitter My cloned woolly mammoth never sheds. —@ANDYMedici, via Twitter Would you like traditional or nonpooping? —Marc Lewis, via email The Crystaloids quickly outlawed pet rocks. —Kassidy Helfant, via email Nine lives later, nine more lives. —@bilybel, via Twitter Pawprint confirmed. Select meal flavor preference. —@michael_kupfer, via Twitter Honorable Mentions: Black holes make the worst pets. —Ron Sheklin, via email Only some of the toys retaliated. —Rebecca Stevens, via Facebook The aliens were funny and delicious. —@trollus_maximus, via Instagram It used to be everyone poops. —Nik Hector, via Facebook There’s a nanobot in my soup. —@mghendism, via Instagram The school trip missed the wormhole. —@simao_sa, via Instagram See Bot run. Run, Bot, run! —Franklin Schellenberg, via email Goodnight comb, goodnight dome, goodnight Mars. —@jamesjoaquin, via Twitter The Little AI That Could (Feel) —E Scott Menter, via Facebook Honorable Mentions: Your session has been successfully uploaded. —Austin Andru, via email Her insurance only covered chat bots. —Spencer McKeehan, via Facebook So tell me about your motherboard. —@j.d.harelik, via Instagram Swipe left until it feels right. —@cvelascop, via Instagram Connection interrupted. Data cannot be analyzed. —@duykham, via Twitter If you are depressed, press 1. —@jfindura, via Twitter A total neurological reboot should help. —Kevin Jerome Hinders, via Facebook Your Zuckerberg complex is developing rapidly. —@nogorelli, via Instagram Honorable Mentions: Virtually no one hears you scream. —Karen Hamilton, via email Oh no, they are all me. —@stockyjon, via Instagram Help me. IRL I was murdered. —Ed Gubbins, via Facebook I gotta get out of here. —Steven Fernandez, via email Why can’t I find the exit? —@scrcr0, via Twitter Our only mission: Delete Mark Zuckerberg. —@mongoindustries, via Instagram It was impossible to pause it. —@alenotari6, via Instagram He must never see me offline. —Bobby Parrott, via email Wasted such a good planet. Reboot. —Sasha Beiderman, via Facebook Honorable Mentions: Autotune is a factory option now. —Josh Alvies, via Facebook All the flash, without the heart. —Craig Chatfield, via Facebook I’m programmed to pop and lock. —@alissacarr, via Twitter I’m too sexy for my software. —@glengauthier, via Instagram Doesn’t even write its own stuff. —@andrewkm__, via Twitter Crowd surfing wasn’t the best idea. —@clarkstacey, via Twitter Played backward it’s “kill all humans.” —Marc Rogers, via Facebook Honorable Mentions: I take lithium for range anxiety. —@jamesjoaquin, via Twitter I dreamt of the Autobahn again. —James Wortz, via Facebook Honest, officer—the human was driving. —Steve Magid, via email Don’t make me pull me over. —@atlrun, via Twitter The smart car drove itself crazy. —@frascafrasca, via Twitter The grandma or the baby—shit. —@gaophilip, via Twitter Have I chosen the right path? —Andrew Dawson, via email It takes itself on long drives. —Wade Sheppard, via email It’s my way on the highway. —@manu.life, via Instagram Honorable Mentions: You look nothing like your photo. —@markgyles, via Twitter They came, too late, for Elvis. —Bruce Lyon, via Facebook Seeking vital fluids, they commandeered snacks. —Scott Medintz, via email Do you have the correct spacetime? —Richard Krzemien, via email I awoke with a probing thought. —@andynez, via Twitter Take us to the Nigerian prince. —Juan Garcia, via Facebook Quite unexpectedly, cocktail recipes were exchanged. —John Wagner, via email You’re an alien! No you are! —@simon_staffans, via Twitter Honorable Mentions: “Hand it over,” the ATM said. —Lauren Dolan, via email They never suspected Alexa was Alexei. —Liz Ransom, via email Why wouldn’t I help a prince? —Harleigh Marsh, via Facebook They said nonfungible. They were wrong. —@eminay86, via Twitter Use his eyeball while there’s time. —Noreen Anastasia, via Facebook “Update Later” was the incorrect choice. —@terryfphotos, via Instagram Check Google Maps. Kiev is gone. —r0cket fr0g, via email They got away on the blockchain. —JYRWG, via email Every cat photo gone. Police baffled. —@john.cartan, via Instagram Honorable Mentions: Schrodinger’s cat is actually a dog. —@tynanwrites, via Twitter Our last seconds appear the longest. —Paul Hagenaars, via email It was simultaneously huge and microscopic. —@Cezary_Z, via Twitter All lost socks found at Cern. —Felix Quarnström, via Facebook Astonishingly, up was down all along! —Christopher Walton, via email Actually, the tides pull the moon. —@the4lw, via Instagram A seventh Infinity Stone is found. —@taayywells, via Instagram Faster than light announcement scheduled yesterday. —David Cinabro, via email Honorable Mentions: So that’s an AI self portrait? —Jason Cohen, via Facebook I prefer Boston Dynamics’ earlier work. —@sscarsdale, via Twitter Uninspired. Lacking originality. Try again, Earth. —Amanda Bull Chafin, via email NFT or not, it is great. —Peter Boersma, via Facebook Not as good as Banksy’s virus. —Simon O Wright, via Facebook Brave to show an unfiltered canvas. —@Alcestronaut, via Twitter Not what teleportation was invented for. —@Arturo_thrdez, via Twitter Shame mortals will not appreciate it. —@asylbek0205, via Instagram Reminds me of the Before Times. —Jacqueline Jaeger Houtman, via Facebook Honorable Mentions: I swiped right and found salvation. —Conrad Dean, via Facebook The prophet revealed the source code. —@the4lw, via Instagram Atop the hill, sayeth he, “reception”? —@dghutt, via Twitter The app works in mysterious ways. —Tyler Hughs, via Facebook Move fast. Break things. Repent. Repeat. —@iampinch, via Twitter Always back up to be saved. —Tadeusz Walter Misztela, via Facebook Chip implanted, the new priest rose. —@wlmoseley, via Twitter “Worship the Apple.” —iBook of Jobs —ThoreauRug, via email Honorable Mentions: He was never a real person? —Ian Schoen, via Facebook Wife realized my job is easy. —@jchavizzle, via Twitter Dress code updated after yesterday’s “incident.” —@mistermistermistertibbs, via Instagram He certainly shouldn’t have stood up. —Małgorzata Kuś, via Facebook “Joe’s the father.” “You’re not muted.” —Austin Craver, via email Worker’s comp? It is her dog! —@thefitzroymclean, via Instagram It looks real, but it’s not. —Jonathan Goode, via Facebook The window behind her reflected images. —@chmslady, via Twitter As everyone’s computer froze, she laughed. —@mcgroup53, via Twitter Honorable Mentions: She won canine vote by landslide. —Janna Dethmers, via email “Welcome to Earth,” said the President. —@michaelrowley, via Instagram He died as he lived: online. —D. A. Smith, via email “Introducing your next president: version 7!” —Ben N, via email But it won the electoral hackathon! —Zacharie Barrou Dumont, via email “I still can’t smell,” she whispered. —Sean Fitzgerald, via email “I hereby pardon all my clones.” —@Morgan, via Twitter She smiled: Mars is now Independent. —@sepohonpokok, via Twitter Honorable Mentions: The moon revealed its darkest secret. —@cfx1, via Twitter “Enjoy,” it said, and ate Mars. —@countgringo, via Instagram Hand me my iPhone—picture time. —@fogcitynative, via Instagram On its back, we traveled far. —@_annalysenko, via Instagram We saw the horizon. It moved. —@mogon_ave, via Twitter Entrelzidor sneezed. Earth was free again. —John Rees-Williams, via Facebook And this black hole had teeth. —@devtomlinson, via Instagram “A little earthy for my taste.” —@brambedillo, via Instagram Honorable Mentions: We updated our terms and conditions. —@nisioti_eleni, via Twitter Four-year-old deletes planet data. —@jutajurajustice, via Twitter Now your mom knows everything, Phil. —@mvyenielo, via Twitter Grandma’s secret recipe just went viral. —Kevin Jerome Hinders, via Facebook So bots were reporting other bots? —Ed Gubbins, via Facebook Honorable Mentions: The dog ate my memory cards. —Irfan Darian, via Facebook Honey, pass me the news tile. —@rainreider, via Twitter These leaves would have to do. —@eliporteraltic, via Twitter Christmas morning was never a surprise. —@tony32938627, via Twitter I wrote it on the fridge. —@apocryphal_x, via Twitter Museum reports theft of toilet paper. —@joostdouma, via Twitter The pen is no longer mightier. —@mdeziel, via Twitter Police say no note was uploaded. —@cwyant, via Instagram Honorable Mentions: Still, the droid’s skin was healing. —David Gerster, via Facebook “Upload failed.” Phew, that was close. —Assa Naveh, via Facebook It exploded, but he looked hot. —Anna Rose McHugh, via Facebook She could see who had stayed. —@pameleen, via Instagram The worst happened. Now I’m free.—@atpolinko, via Instagram At least there is no leader. —@guabo, via Instagram My mom still thinks I’m cool. —@pashutinski, via Instagram Honorable Mentions: The dogs are the masters now. —@azzour, via Instagram Deadly virus mutates into X-Men gene. —@redeyedsan, via Twitter Baby’s voice rose from the cave. —Chakib Mataoui Souleyman, via Facebook The colony on the moon flourished. —@emoco, via Twitter In silence, he slept well. Finally. —@patchoo314, via Instagram So salt water, huh? Who knew. —@andreslohizo, via Instagram Dinosaurs return—this time as pets. —@deb_shalini, via Twitter Sun sets. No one posts it. —@jesikahmorgana, via Instagram Honorable Mentions: Love is sacrificing the last ply. —Kristos Samaras, via Facebook There is an “us” in “virus.” —Zachy Allec, via Facebook Feverish desire raged beneath the N95. —@seekingfelicity, via Instagram You can sneeze in my elbow. —@ralfchardon, via Instagram Our eyes locked in Zoom yoga. —@jabberwockies, via Instagram “Don’t kiss me,” he whispered gently. —@anna_rchist, via Instagram The clothes came off; masks remained. —@_v.sh, via Instagram Casual gets serious way too fast. —@kristinafmiller, via Instagram Honorable Mentions: Break up the digital data thieves. —Frank D. Monaco, via Facebook Digital Guy Fawkes to the rescue! —Kevin Jerome Hinders, via Facebook Encryption is poison to a dictator. —Marko Berg, via Facebook Plug exhaust pipe with a potato. —@blume_lee, via Twitter New feature announcement: “Like” to impeach. —@mina_sonbol, via Instagram Use ad blockers. Pay for news. —@dechendolker, via Instagram Print Marshall McLuhan quotes on T-shirts. —@antigraviter, via Instagram Turn social media into socialism media. —@benzilla_360, via Instagram Get behind me, technocrats. Game over. —Anastasia Hunter, via Facebook Honorable Mentions: Then a ship from Krypton landed. —@marcelo_paixao_almeida, via Instagram Everyone gets five free international trips. —@clawd2deth, via Twitter Move all heavy industry off-world. —Stevie Turnbull, via Facebook Come back, ancient aliens! Reboot Earth. —@sarahk0csis, via Twitter Genetically engineer cows to fart hydrogen. —Hamish Hamish, via Facebook Hiring: Sensible planetary dictator. Apply within. —@matt_owczarz, via Twitter Honorable Mentions: Smelt decommissioned weapons into musical instruments. —@casinclair, via Twitter Climate app tracks local CO2 levels. —@big_big_love, via Instagram Global oral history keeps memories alive. —@johnkellybabb, via Instagram Save the world by planting trees. —Lílá Tückér, via Facebook Redistribute medical supplies to the underinsured. —@jesmakes, via Instagram Community-based renewable energy power grids. —@uniquetoybox, via Twitter Digital democracy with backing in blockchain. —@jackranado, via Twitter Life after death—donate your DNA. —@beyond_mike, via Instagram Honorable Mentions: Twitter analytics determines 2040 presidential winner. Alan Grover Daniel, via Facebook Randomly selected leader is Citizen 42034. @abhshkshtty, via Instagram For the people. By the droids. Steve Fabian, via Facebook Mathematics draws districts; cryptography verifies votes. @boomerdell, via Instagram Turn off the internet for good. Colin Kiernan, via Facebook Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. @mistermush1991, via Instagram Person with the most Instagram comments wins. @jmscml, via Instagram Honorable Mentions: Of course I remember you … Kim! @kanaafa, via Instagram My twin pays all my bills. @keegan1942, via Instagram Among myriads, her son was found. @ichbinsubatomic, via Instagram Vitality low—personalized prescription dispatched today. @leniway, via Instagram Technological mirrors provide value-neutral feedback. @philosophy_at_work, via Instagram Your face will become your passport. @sayzey, via Instagram ’80s makeup has a huge revival. @jamesw1981, via Twitter Smile registered, thanks for your purchase. @mhicheal_l, via Instagram
